I've been with my partner for over eleven years, and I've had my ostomy for five of those. I haven't used dating apps like Tinder, Hinge, or Bumble since getting my ostomy, so I can't speak from direct experience. Still, I know many ostomates want to date and are unsure about when and how to talk about it.
I can share my thoughts on disclosure based on my own conversations about my ostomy and what I've learned from other ostomates.
Should You Mention It in Your Profile?
It's a personal choice, but you don't need to mention your ostomy in your profile. It doesn't define you. You're still yourself, and your ostomy is just one part of your daily life. It doesn't change your desire to date and meet new people.
Your profile should highlight who you are, your interests, and what you're looking for. You only need to mention your ostomy if you feel comfortable.
When to Tell Someone
Take some time to get to know the person first. See if your values and interests match. Once you feel more comfortable, you can share about your ostomy in a casual way, since it's just a normal part of your life.
Your ostomy is simply a part of you, and it helps you live and enjoy your life. That's just how things are for you.
How to Bring It Up
Be straightforward and simple. You might say, "I have a stoma" or "I have an ostomy bag, and that's how I'm able to go to the bathroom."
If they have questions, share only what you feel comfortable with. You don't have to explain everything right away. Give them a basic idea, then see how the conversation goes.
You could say, "This is something that's in my life, and I wanted to share with you before things get serious." It's just part of getting to know each other, not a big thing.
What to Expect
Most people are just curious because they may not know what a stoma is. They'll probably ask simple questions, just like I did when I first got my ostomy. When I've shared about it, I haven't had any negative reactions. My partner was very supportive and accepting, even more than I was at first.
If Someone Reacts Negatively
If someone does react negatively or seems uncomfortable, remember that it says more about them than about you. Not everyone will be the right match, and that's okay. Someone who can't accept this part of you isn't someone you want to be with anyway.
You deserve someone who sees you as a whole person and values you for who you are. If someone ghosts you or makes you feel bad about your ostomy, it's their loss. Move on to someone who will appreciate you.
It Gets Easier Over Time
Your approach to disclosure will change. As you get more comfortable with your ostomy, you'll find it easier to talk about. That was true for me, and I believe it will be true for others who are dating. The more you share, the easier it becomes. Be positive when you share your ostomy story, because it is a positive thing. It doesn't change who you are as a person. It keeps your body running efficiently and helps you stay healthy. I think anyone would want that for their partner or soon-to-be partner.
Try to explain what an ostomy bag or stoma is in simple terms so others can understand. Dating apps can be challenging to navigate at times, but don't be afraid to share your story. Many people around the world have an ostomy. You're not alone, and lots of others are going through the same thing. Just approach it with a positive attitude.