Dating and Relationships: Real Talk for Young Ostomates

Let's get real for a minute. When you're in your twenties or early thirties and you have an ostomy, dating can feel overwhelming. I've been there – staring at my dating app profile wondering if I should mention it upfront, or lying awake at night worrying about "the conversation."

Here's what I wish someone had told me: having an ostomy doesn't disqualify you from love, great relationships, or amazing intimacy. But it does mean approaching things with some extra thought and a lot of self-compassion.

The Disclosure Dilemma

The biggest question everyone asks is: when do I tell them? And honestly, there's no perfect answer. I've tried it all ways, and here's what I learned:

Option 1: Upfront Disclosure

Some people put it in their dating profiles or bring it up early in conversation. The pros? You only match with people who are okay with it from the start. The cons? You might be reducing yourself to a medical condition before anyone gets to know the amazing person you are.

Option 2: Wait Until There's Connection

This is what works for most people I know. Go on a few dates, see if there's genuine interest on both sides, then have the conversation before things get physical. You're not being deceptive – you're just leading with your personality instead of your medical history.

Option 3: Wait Until Things Get Serious

Some people prefer to wait until they know it's heading somewhere meaningful. This can work, but be aware that waiting too long might feel like a bigger deal than it needs to be.

Having 'The Conversation'

Okay, you've decided to tell them. Now what? Here are some approaches that have worked:

Keep It Simple and Matter-of-Fact

"I want to share something with you. I have an ileostomy because of [brief medical reason]. It's not a big deal in my day-to-day life, but I wanted you to know before things get more serious between us."

Focus on the Present, Not the Past

You don't owe anyone your entire medical history. A simple explanation is usually enough: "I had surgery that resulted in an ostomy. I'm healthy now and it doesn't really affect my life much, but I wanted you to know."

Be Prepared for Questions

Most people genuinely don't know what an ostomy is, so be ready to explain basics if they're curious. Remember: their questions usually come from wanting to understand, not from judgment.

Dealing with Reactions

Not everyone will react perfectly, and that's okay. Here's what to expect:

The Good Reactions

• "Thanks for telling me. It doesn't change how I feel about you."
• "I'd love to learn more about what that means for you."
• "I appreciate you trusting me with this."

The Not-So-Great Reactions

• Immediate physical recoil or disgust
• Invasive medical questions
• Assumptions about what you can/can't do
• Ghosting after the conversation

Intimacy and Physical Relationships

Let's address the elephant in the room. Yes, you can have a fulfilling physical relationship with an ostomy. Here are some practical considerations:

Timing and Preparation

• Empty your pouch beforehand – this is just practical, not shameful
• Consider the timing of meals (you know your body best)
• Maybe keep a change of clothes nearby, just in case
• Shower beforehand if it makes you feel more confident

Communication is Key

Talk about positions that work best for you. Your partner wants you to be comfortable, but they can't read your mind. Most people are much more adaptable than you might think.

Wardrobe Solutions

There are beautiful intimacy wraps, lingerie designed for ostomates, and other products that can help you feel confident. But honestly? Many people find that after the first time, they don't think about it much.

Long-Term Relationships

When you're in a committed relationship, your ostomy becomes just another part of life that you both adapt to. The best partners will:

• Learn about your routines and needs without making it weird
• Advocate for you in social situations if needed
• Not treat you like you're fragile or broken
• Continue to see you as a whole, complex person

Building Confidence

Here's the truth: confidence is the most attractive thing you can bring to dating. And confidence comes from:

• Knowing you're more than your medical condition
• Having a support system that reminds you of your worth
• Practicing self-compassion when things don't go perfectly
• Focusing on what you bring to a relationship, not what you think you lack

Online Dating Tips

If you're using dating apps, here are some strategies that work:

• Lead with your interests, humor, and personality
• Use recent photos where you feel confident and attractive
• Don't feel obligated to mention your ostomy in your profile
• Focus on finding people who share your values and interests
• Trust that the right person will appreciate your honesty when the time comes

Red Flags to Watch For

Some reactions that indicate this person isn't right for you:

• Making jokes at your expense
• Treating you like a charity case
• Constantly asking invasive questions
• Making assumptions about your capabilities
• Using your condition to make themselves seem like a hero

Success Stories

I know so many people in amazing relationships – married, engaged, in long-term partnerships, happily dating around. Having an ostomy doesn't prevent you from finding love. It just means you might have to be a little more intentional about it.

The people worth being with will see your ostomy as just one small part of who you are. And honestly? Some of the best relationships come from people who appreciate your strength, resilience, and the unique perspective your experiences have given you.

Final Thoughts

Dating with an ostomy requires some extra navigation, but it's absolutely doable. Be patient with yourself, trust your instincts, and remember that you deserve love and companionship just as much as anyone else.

The right person for you will see your ostomy and think, "Okay, cool, tell me more about your other interests." And when that happens, you'll realize that all the worry was worth it to get to someone who truly gets you.

You're not asking for special treatment. You're asking for basic human understanding and connection. And that's not too much to ask for.